Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
