Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
