Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
