3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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