First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Randomize
