then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Randomize
