I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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