Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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