I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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