quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
It's rum buckets o'clock
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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