you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
