i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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