she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
