She is in my trunk
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
