I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
