Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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