Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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