I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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