Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
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