when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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