just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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