he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize