I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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