I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
