Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
