Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
