So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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