12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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