you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
why does every cop we meet know your name?
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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