I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I need a beard to bite.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
