I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
