they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
