my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I'm at about main and main street
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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