dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
