I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
