her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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