Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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