i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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