This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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