The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
