I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Randomize
