In the future we'll all be gay
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
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