fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
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