At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
