I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
