4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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