I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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