A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
this hospital has no fireball
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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