My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
