I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
