the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
