Jerry, you need to find god
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
