If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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