I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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