saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Randomize
