Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
