A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
