Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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