I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
