I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
