i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
