I got chris browned last night
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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